Thursday, July 22, 2010

How Men Scratch Their Balls: A Ladies Guide

Ladies, have you ever caught your guy with his hand down his pants, a look of pure bliss on his face, and a sigh like he just had a big cork pulled out of his ass? His eyes rolled back in his head in ecstasy?

Was your first thought that you had walked in on a covert jerk-off session? Dear God!

Well fear not girls, he was just engaged in the next best thing to having an orgasm, for a guy anyways. He was scratching his balls!

Scratching your nuts is sometimes however mistaken for an “adjustment”. This is where your pubic hair gets wrapped around your schlong and is being painfully yanked. The adjustment is just an untangling of the aforementioned.

Oh yes indeed, there’s a lot going on down there.

I was explaining just how guys have to use a special technique to do a proper nut-scratch to my wife one night. My wife thought it was funny as hell, but for two reasons. The first is very obvious; scratching your balls is almost as funny as farts. But the odd thing, the fascinating thing, is after all these years this was new information!

You think you’ve heard it all by a certain age! And you know, it’s kind of youthfully invigorating when you hear something new about genitals. She was giggling like a school girl. So let’s see how this translates to the written word shall we?

First: “Why are you constantly scratching your balls you gross bastard you”.
Let’s face facts here folks – we all have genitals and they all itch. Some itch due to some sort of infestation, but that’s for another column. We are talking straight up balls itch. So.

When guys get a serious itch on the old scrotum the need for the swiftest reaction is paramount! We’re talking about a stealth itch that can and will attack at any time with no provocation whatsoever! An itch so intense it dispatches all other itches to a much lower sub-classification. This is straight out of J.A.M.A.!

Case in point: I was once interviewing for a computer consulting contract on the 101st floor of the World Trade Center (tower II). I was wearing a dark blue wool suit. This was a harsh lesson I would learn that day.

Wool is the sworn enemy of nutsacks worldwide. It is astounding how those “Scottish” people deal with kilts (a traditional skirt a Scottish man would wear, made of coarse wool and barbed wire, worn with no undergarments) well let’s just say they don’t call it Scotch for nothing!

The combination of a hot NYC summer day, high elevation, and interview stress was the origin of said nasty ball itch. When this vicious poltergeist hit my balls I could not concentrate. I could not form a meaningful sentence. This bad boy needed to be dealt with!

As luck would have it the meeting was attended by all guys, some of which I had known for years. So I went for it:


“Guys, I just have to pause here for a second.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“Seeing as how we are all guys here (thank God) I feel you will understand my need to (lowers voice, looks around) immediately scratch my balls! It’s this wool suit!”

They could see the look and utter desperation of someone with a real need for sudden personal privacy.

Being guys, good guys, they parted like the Red sea, pointed me to a divider behind the bigwig’s desk and let me have at it. I could hear murmurs of understanding and someone muttering about his own dislike of wool. I quickly finished up after the “understanding” turned to offers of a letter opener.

Unfortunately the itch came back the second I sat back down. At that point I knew I was just going to have to ride it out. That’s when I thought of the awkward handshake that would soon follow the end of the meeting. I don’t know what someone looks like that has itchy balls and is concurrently trying to suppress a major laugh, but I do know what it feels like.

Second: the “Technique”. A guys’ nutsack is like a large deflated balloon filled with two grapes and runny oatmeal. Delightful, yes I know! So, if you try to scratch these in the normal way all you would do is sink your fingers in and stir up the blob. Not very effective I’m afraid.

Using two hands can make the process much easier. One hand to “anchor” the wrinkled mass and the other to smooth and lightly scratch the affected area. The only problem with the two-hand technique is you need total privacy. So what method is there for the “Man on the Go”? Well, obviously you have to figure out a one-handed method.

This can be achieved by using the palm of your hand to “anchor” and the fingers of the same hand to smooth and scratch. We simply curl our hands into proper nut-scratch position. This is done by making a fist, but do not use your thumb and do not bend the high knuckle on your fingers. So, while using your palm as the anchor, you extend your fingers, running the back of your fingernails lightly (and I can’t stress that enough people) over the affected area.

And last but not least: Try not to sigh too loud at the relief because, again, you are giving yourself great pleasure but you also have your hand down the front of your trousers! Try not to get caught also. If you do happen to get caught, make sure you make a big deal about going to wash your hands. Be sure someone is aware of the fact that you don’t have pubies under your fingernails.

I know every gender, and there are more of them popping up very day, experience the same types of discomfort. The pulled pube, the “Deep Cavity” rectal itch, odor problems, and the Jonas Brothers. And because we share these horrible anomalies as a species we should be more understanding of others when we realize they are in the throes of an agonizing personal itch!

Although the letter opener wisecrack was pretty funny try not to snicker or laugh too loud. And for your sake and mine do not get caught staring! If you do happen to get caught make sure your facial expression is one of amusement, bewilderment or even slight disgust.

Just make sure you don’t have a look of intense anticipation – that’s just creepy.



Author's note: If this amuses you check out "My Doctor's Appointment" let me know what you think.
Thanks again for your interest.    Selah.

7 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't remove anything. I didn't even know it was here.

      Delete
  2. Thanks for the good laugh... Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was pretty accurate haha. For me, itching can sometimes be soo good it leads to an almost orgasmic sensation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know these old columns were still out here. I'm thinking of starting up again.

      Thanks for the nice note and remember, discretion is key. A successful ball scratch can look way too much like a honeydripper. Word.

      Delete
  4. Boy they really fucked up the comments, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not much of a reply, but Googoil is especially FUCKING with me tonight! Thank god iPads can take a punch…

    ReplyDelete