Oxy-Morons

Sorry I’ve been away my beloved readers but we ran into a few serious hardware problems (buntcha shit all broke down at the same time). But that certainly didn’t stop the voices in my head! Voices that can only be expurgated by foolish writing (combined with embarrassing, copious drug abuse, nyuk, nyuk) so mix the blog and barf and I present to you the following blarf.

I’m certainly not one to complain about or have a negative opinion of how people handle, interpret, or even just fucking deal with DRUGS. Old Fee’s got a bit of a bug up his ass about this one however, and my bitch is about Oxycontin.

Unfortunately I find myself, suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, as old as Methuselah! When the fuck that officially happened is for a much more important blarf than this.

Trying not to sound like a withered old man bitching about the cancellation of Matlock and squirting somewhat accidentally into his adult Depends, I have, through no fucking fault of my own, been stricken with a horrible fucking disease.

A disease with no known cause! No known cure! And no hope for any recovery of any kind! It is (they think) your own immune system trying to kill a life threatening infection that is no longer there. Your own body is trying to kill you! How fucked up is that? (And people say some of my writing is dark!) The symptoms (R.A.) are pretty simple. Massive fucking pain anywhere and everywhere. Actually it’s my joints. And not the good kind! Sometimes “it” just feels like making you suffer. And it most certainly does.

Quick thought:
When some people pass away it is often heard said by a friend or relative “He was in great pain, but you never heard him complain, not even once.” Well then how in the fuck did you know he was in all this great pain?

Well you’re in pain, you have insurance. Hey, let’s go to the Pain Doctor and get some pain drugs! A few tests, little blood drawn, a prescription, you skip happily to the pharmacy. While the Pharmacist man is reading the ‘script you notice he’s also staring at you. Sizing you up, dressing you down. Is this a scam or is this guy one of “THOSE PEOPLE” that abuses these drugs? You think quietly to yourself (at first) what the fuck is this guy’s problem?

The prescription (for Oxycontin – that’s what this whole thing’s about, remember?) is from a licensed doctor with a valid DEA number. If you have a problem with it, Mr. Pharmacist, call the fucking doctor. Their names and phone numbers are right there on the prescription pad, asshole!

I’ve had pharmacists stare me down like I just wrote the thing up on the counter right in front of them! One holier-than-thou phallus actually took my prescription and he reduced the number of pills prescribed by 33% because some pharmacist guidelines (I believe the name of the book is “How to Be an Asshole Because I Can’t Handle Being a Real Doctor”) indicates that he can.

He just can. And he did. He didn’t know what my malady was, he didn’t bother asking, and he certainly didn’t bother calling my doctor to gather any further information. He just looked at me and decided all on his own that he was just going to cut my dosage of pain medication by 33%. A dosage that I had been on for three years, and a prescription I had been getting filled at that very pharmacy for those three years.

I realized then with great ire that this was pure appearance discrimination. I’d bet my bottom dollar this fuckstick had filled a ‘script just like mine before. Without any of these bullshit changes. Probably to some matron with a boring home life. Someone that didn’t fit the “profile”.

I then came to the conclusion, “Oh now I get it – you’re just being an asshole!” I said right to his pinched-up rat-like face. “Give me back my fucking prescription!” I guess he could tell that normally docile Fee (that is a lie) was about to jump over the counter and beat him like he beats his own tiny pecker at night. That didn’t sound quite right, but you get the picture. He handed over my ‘script pronto. The pharmacy down the street filled it in 20 minutes with no problems at all.

Now, I don’t dress like a banker but I don’t look like Keith Richards either (in public anyways). I did, however, get a taste of pure discrimination that day. It was an eye opening experience that brought a lot of other thoughts to mind. Thoughts like how I would I feel if I were a black man in America and felt this horrible shit every day, but that’s for another column.

I’m getting sick of seeing perfectly good drugs (that I need!) like Oxycontin getting a bad rap because people that do not need Oxy’s do not have the fucking Balls, their genuine God given BIG AMERICAN BALLS, to go out and score some scag. Dope. Diesel. “The Boy not the Bitch”. I’m talking heroin boys and girls.

It’s cheaper, gets you a lot fucking higher, is easier to get, and is easier to imbibe. A Quadrophenia, man. Why fuck around you pussies? You want that buzz you know what the fucking deal is – it’s all the same shit! From Tylenol #3 with codeine to 80mg Oxycontin to Mexican tar to China white (I’m drooling) it’s all opium based dope.
Plain and fucking simple. You know it and I know it (and they know it).

So why are you fucking with these innocent people that are in real need of pain relief, and can’t get it, because you dicks are out there slinging Oxy’s? These innocent, bonafide, pain sufferin’ people deserve to get high! Real high! Right now! (Not a bad idea, be back in a second…).

You know, headlines of “Teenaged Kids Overdosing and Dying from Rampant Oxycontin Abuse!” are really making it tough for the rest of us to get the good quality drugs we need and deserve. So these media whores also bear some responsibility in my opinion. Imagine, writing about drugs just to get attention or sell newspapers! You’d have to be a pretty sick individual to do such a thing (Do you smell that?). Preposterous! These medications are made for a very serious specific purpose.

So why not simply turn to heroin? Is it the scary name? Is it the evil reputation? If it’s all the same thing, the same drug, the same high, why not just get some fucking scag? You don’t even need to prep it and crush it to snort it!

SO WHY?

Fee knows EXACTLY fucking WHY!

But that’s for another column.

Happy trails, kiddies!

And just a quick note to thank the love of my life for an incredible Independence Day weekend celebration and all-out brain-fry. I would not be here with out her. So just remember - it's her fault I'm still here!

Props to the "S" and DMI.
Originally Posted by Pat Dillon as Fee Waybill on Saturday July 10th, 2010