Have I now heard everything? You hear people say “Now I’ve heard everything!” all the time. Imagine if you really had heard everything? You’d be listening to some asshole blathering on and on about some mundane bullshit that he calls his life. And you’ve heard it all before, all of it, before…
I would think the urge to rip his tongue out would become quite strong at that point.
The reason I mention this is because I had the urge to rip someone’s tongue out, or something of equal instability, when I heard the term “Jail Coach” used on a T.V. news program. This was the same day Lindsey Lohan was sentenced to jail.
Jail Coach, a truly unique profession. Probably the only job in America where having a felony conviction on your record is a requirement. Hey, this is the land of the weird, don’t be shocked.
I instantly thought of a prison shower scenario. A new prisoner, fresh meat if you will (and you will…) is being violently gang raped by a line of naked tattooed bad guys. Thank God his “Jail Coach” is there. He can mop his brow, give him a towel to bite on, and whisper words of encouragement softly into his ear as to relax his sphincter.
He can make sure the lube is not shied away from; yeah some of those types like it dry. That’s where I personally draw the line; ass rape is bad enough, but down a dusty trail? Now that’s just sick!
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not being judgmental here. I hold no malice toward those that have run afoul of the law. I just can’t stand it when they get caught.
Hey Lindsey, why don’t you start your fucking rehab by looking up the definition to the word “illegal”. That just might be the place for her to start because it sure as hell doesn’t look like she knows what the definition of the word means. Maybe we need to have a separate dictionary for people like Lindsey. A dictionary that spells out the fact that the word “illegal” pertains to everyone, even famous white girls.
How does “Roget’s Thesaurus, Paris Hilton Version“ sound to you? Is it just as dumb as “Jail-Coach”? I’ll bet the definition of Jail Coach is in there, though.
Some days, I swear to God, you just gotta weep for humanity.
I’d love to hear an honest assessment of little Lindsey’s predicament from Robert Downey, Jr.
Here is a guy that went way too far too many times and ended up doing time. Robert, however, was doing real time. Let me lay it out for you brothers and sisters:
There is a big fucking difference between Jail and Prison. Jail is full of people that are simply too poor to post even the smallest amount of cash for bail, sometimes a hundred bucks would get some of these people out. Lindsey probably spend a hundred dollars a week just to Fabreeze her thongs.
Jail is a holding place for people awaiting trial, first-time non-violent offenders, people with short sentences, put it this way if you’re sentenced to a week’s incarceration you’re not going to prison, you are going to jail.
Jail’s not too bad. Ass rape is damned near non existent. No work detail if you don’t want to. Place to sleep, plenty of company. Oh yeah lots of company. The kind of company that never leaves and stays up all night yelling at each other (I think they call it rap…) the kind of guests that always leave the toilet seat soiled. And they’re damned proud of it.
When I was in jail, I mean I’ve heard first-hand from someone that was in jail that the food’s not really that bad. And it really helps if you work in the kitchen. Keeps you busy, helps pass the time. Working the kitchen means you don’t have to worry about anyone putting some kind of yechh in your food. It also works the other way around.
You can put whatever your sick little mind can come up with anyone’s food you dare to. Anyone fucks with you just look them straight in the eye and, very slowly, say “I work in the kitchen – you eat what my hands give you. Think that over for just a second.” Or if the guy’s smaller than you just ask him what color pubic hair he prefers with his eggs.
After seeing this “Jail Coach” on the T.V. it dawned on me that this guy must have a publicist. How else did he end up on the “Today Show”? One could find out just how many of these coaches are in operation by simply typing “Jail Coach” into the search engine of your choice. I could do this. However that’s a little too close to research and, as I’ve said before “research” is what a paid columnist does.
I couldn’t help myself, I Googled “Jail Coach”. Turns out there’s a lot of the rich and famous hiring jail coaches. There are also an alarming number of coaches that are going to jail, but that’s a different story.
There was also the obvious second choice, the Prison Coach. Now the shit’s getting real. Most of the bile posted was pertaining to Bernie Madoff and family. You just know that your government is doing its sworn duty when a fuckbag like Madoff still has enough money to hire a fucking Prison Coach. Of course if you were Bernie that’s probably money very well spent.
I seriously doubt Robert Downey Jr. felt the need to consult a Prison Coach. The last time he was arrested he had in his possession cocaine, tar heroin, a loaded handgun, was shit-faced drunk and driving a new Mercedes on the wrong side of the road. Bob did everything short of tying-off during his bail hearing. I’m sure he found plenty of kindred spirits in prison.
Can a person really learn that much more about prison survival by hiring a coach? From what I’ve seen as soon as the stock market closes these news channels are full of prison documentaries. These are very real prisons. These documentaries seem to pretty much bring up the same subjects over and over. Plus I would think that in prison you would learn what the deal is pretty damn quick. Maybe these prison coaches can sign Bernie Madoff up to join the Aryan Nation in advance. How’s that for a slap in the face of things to come? Serves the greedy cocksucker right.
I don’t hold any malice towards wealthy people as long as they didn’t cause people to suffer while accumulating all their wealth. Madoff caused a lot of suffering. From what I have read he has not shown any remorse towards the people he (and his family) screwed.
I discussed this with an acquaintance of mine that grew up in mainland China (I always thought saying mainland China sounded cooler than just China). He commented that if Madoff was a Chinese citizen and was connected to the government in any way, he would have been executed. Even if just one of his clients had a menial job with the Communist Party (party?) he would have been put to death.
I have mixed feeling about the death penalty. The main reason I don’t think executions are right is that the death sentence is not used uniformly throughout the country. The death penalty is not equally distributed across the U.S. Since the reinstatement of capital punishment in 1976, there have been 1,000 executions in the South but only 4 in the Northeast.
There is hope, however. Several states have introduced legislation to try to equalize the racial makeup like The “Racial Justice Act” introduced in North Carolina in 2009. I don’t understand how this is going to work but at least somebody cares enough to try.
Will Lindsey learn her lesson? Hire a fucking driver, sweetie. Maybe if we instituted a foreign exchange program for convicts, in this type of situation we may get some results. Actually I’m pretty sure we’d get a lot of fucking “results”. The result status notifications will probably start out with “We regret to inform you…”.
Send Lindsey to a Chinese prison?
I just want to be there when she asks for the menu.
*Just want to say thanks to my Canadian friends, you “get it”. – Pat
R.O.W.Y.C.O.
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