I just finished writing a very well received guide to testicular discomfort experienced by men. Well, guys that actually have hair on their balls (interesting emails on that one), but I digress. I think that it was a very honest account of a fairly private matter. Private to men, anyways.
There has always been one thing about women that I still do not understand to this very day. I might as well just blurt it out because this discussion is never going to get off the ground if I don’t.
Why don’t women wear underwear sometimes?
Laugh all you want but I really just can’t think of more than one maybe two reasons. I mean if you and your beau want to go out and get freaky-deaky with some semblance of ease, okay, forget the drawers. But can’t you just as easily slip them off? It’s not like you’ll be wearing giant work boots with a skirt (most of you anyways).
The risk must far outweigh the reward. Is there some prize for having a “mountain air”, “spring fresh” snootch? I’m sure it would be greatly appreciated, as a matter of fact I know it is, but rewarded? I would think you’d have to be pretty damned confident to go out on the town sans panties.
I mean, there’s plenty of good freakin’ reasons to wear underwear unless there’s some new totally fucked-up fad I haven’t heard about yet. Even if it is for some sexual reason aren’t there panties that are pretty much just dental floss and a postage stamp? I don’t think they’d get in the way; determination would take care of that P.D.Q.
Could it simply be the breeze? I could see where that would be a very attractive incentive. It would certainly put a big smile on my face, but I’ve never heard this used as a reason. I’m actually so in tune with the whole “breeze” idea that I just had to form my own opinion. Plus I finally had an excuse to try wearing a skirt!
Didn’t quite turn out the way I had hoped. First of all, guys, the way we are built? There’s just too damned much package sticking out all over the place. Not even in the same direction! You’d think we would have gotten together on this issue and made a decision, but no! Some guys “dress” to the left, some to the right, some have to tuck it into their socks. With some poor bastards it doesn’t make any difference. Ooofa. Then some dudes make the mistake of placing “it” or “dressing” not to the left or right side, but straight down the middle.
This causes “Hook Dick”. Stop laughing. It’s not funny.
Oh shit, it’s fucking hysterical if it’s not your problem. And just a quick note: it’s not my problem either and I have the pictures to prove it, lots of them. That website, however, is still under construction!
The only reason for women not to wear panties I can ever remember hearing was to eliminate panty lines. Are they that unsightly? Is there a man on earth that would let a panty line prevent him from trying to reach the Promised Land? No. There is not. The only time this happened, and it well could be the start of this craze, was when a celebrity of note picked up a lovely woman slightly older than he was (major cougar).
But this was Hollywood. She knew people he needed and she looked just fine to him. He loved the tight pants especially. But when the panty lines turned out to be varicose veins, well, he made it a priority to have his date’s “au natural” underneath from then on. Just a tad shallow and I really wish I had just made that up.
We’ve all seen the pictures of Brittany Spears climbing out of her luxury automobile with what appears to be road kill clutched between her ample thighs. How this could be advantageous to anyone is a complete mystery to me.
Guys do not give a flying fuck for a rolling fucking donut if a woman has panty lines! It’s like that old joke where a guy at a bar rejects a “hot babe” because her fingernail polish doesn’t match her toes. It’s just not going to happen, not on our part!
Ladies, this is stuff you worry about. Not only do we not care, notice, or even bother to look at this stuff, we don’t understand why you do.
Don’t you lovely ladies know that the proper undergarment is akin to gift wrapping? There’s a billion dollar industry out there just for hot blooded males (horndogs) that would love to be surprised by their mate wearing some kinky lingerie. What’s the harm? I just thank God that there is no way to make a man look sexier by draping him in some sort of alluring undergarment, alluring to women anyways…
So if this nonsense is just for vanity’s sake I want to know just who it is that is convincing all of you gorgeous women that there is yet another freaking detail you have to worry about in order to “compete” with those “other bitches”.
There’s always some other, perceived or true, female competition and her name is usually “that skinny little bitch”. Or worse.
We haven’t even touched upon the obvious question of hygiene. I can’t begin to imagine what the cost of replacing a seat cover in Brit’s $400,000.00 McClaren/Mercedes SLR would be. You could buy Victoria’s Secret entire Spring Catalog for that kind of money!
And my God! If the interior was velour? One good joke and that car would be in the upholstery shop for a steam clean pronto! If I knew this situation existed in my presence I would do everything in my power to cause an embarrassing accident. Lampshade on the head, joy buzzer, exploding cigar, dirty jokes, whatever it took, I’d get that laughter sprinkle going if it killed me.
My vote is for covering up little muffin. Young inexperienced men, boys actually, could be scarred for life if they got an unexpected first-time up-close look at Brit’s snootch. You guys forget, those wonderful things can be very frightening when you’re a young innocent lad.
But, if you unwrap it slowly, and read the instructions carefully, or better yet have the instructions read to you, there should be no fear, and any surprises will be the good kind.
There, so if you steer clear of these “filthy little sluts” you’ll never have to worry about bedding a lass that has a snootch that looks like the bottom of your tennis shoes. Yep.
Selah.
*quick hello to rh, as: you know who you are….
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